TRUE CRIME TALE BY MEGALOPOLI CONURBATION MUSSOLINI; EDITED BY AN EXTERNAL SOURCE
The bathroom was amiss, but I had assumed as much. The penguin rug was out of place; the contents of the counter scattered about. It was a crime scene.
I, Detective Megalopoli Mussolini, had been called to the scene at an apartment of the Hideabed complex on the south side of town at 7 p.m. Sunday, March 1. Two felines, approximately 1.5 years of age, had been kidnapped shortly before.
At roughly 6:32 p.m. that day, the primary witness, one Jazpurr Higgins, reported an unknown victim entered the apartment through an open front door. Upon setting foot inside the residence, the large, orange cat was grabbed by the waist by the suspect who then tossed the victim into the bathroom of the residence.
Moments later a second, small, orange cat was also snatched up by the suspect and forced into the bathroom of the residence.
The suspect is a dark-haired human known only as "Mom" by one of the witnesses and as "That Lady Who Feeds Us" by several others.
Three witnesses were outside the front door of the residence when the cats were seized.
One, Hot Waffles, said he was new to the area and knew nothing of who the victims or suspect are. The other two, who identified themselves only as Jean-Tom and Cheese and Crackers, identified the larger of the two victims as "Cat," the smaller as "Peter Nincompoop," their brother and sister.
Waffles, Tom and Crackers were able to corroborate Mr. Higgins' account of the initial events.
"The cats were in the bathroom, and I could hear moaning and screaming that was terribly unpleasant," Higgins said. "Mom came out of the bathroom and grabbed the cat cage and an old towel from the bedroom while I watched. Then she went back into the bathroom and I heard a horrible commotion.
Within minutes the suspect left the residence with the cage. All witnesses related hearing what sounded like the victims crying from within the cage.
"She put the cage in the car and left before we knew what happened," Tom said. "We were just trying to eat some dinner."
Once on the scene I was able to determine the suspect had lured both the victims and the three outdoor witnesses to the apartment with bowls of "Alley Cat" cat food. Witnesses were still chowing down upon my arrival. They were apprehensive about talking with a cop, but Greenies loosened their tongues.
"We've seen dis lady around plenty," Crackers said. "She puts out the food and we eats it. Sometimes she lets us take a peek inside dah place."
I made my way to the bathroom. I utilized a piece of equipment, known as my nose, to verify the victims had indeed been held captive in the room. I had the CSI squad process the scene while I drilled Higgins.
"She was barely here 15 minutes," he said. "She came in, put the food out for the dumpster cats and made a phone call. Next thing I know she's got the two in the bathroom, makes another call, she dumps dinner in my bowl and takes off with the cage."
I asked whom the suspect would have telephoned.
"It sounded like she was talking to her mother," he said. "She was asking if she should take those cats."
This was beginning to sound like a premeditated act.
"Where would she have taken them," I asked him.
"We used to live at this house in the woods--that's where her mother is," he said. "It's the only other place I know besides here."
I was able to determine the home was situated on Condit Road about 20 miles from the scene.
Area police recall seeing the suspect's vehicle with Ohio Licence "NEWSIES" travelling north along Sunbury Road--one of several possible routes to the Condit Road destination.
About 10 p.m. that night, the suspect returned to the apartment. Unable to reach the pedal in a car, I opted to remain undercover as the suspect's pet and await the next opportunity to follow her to the Condit Road residence.
Meanwhile, the case remains open.
I sit on a stool when I help Mom with the cooking. She calls me kwalitee controll. 
This is Riley kicking me in the face.
This is me saying, "hey, quit kicking me in the face."
