You must remember this, a cross-eyed kiss is still a kiss

I've got a girlfriend! Well, that is, I know I said Jean-Tom was my girlfriend before now, but it's official--she kissed me.
So the other day Jean-Tom was outside my door getting some dinner from Mom. Mom let me go out the door and I was so cool. I just casually was checking out the porch and I was like "hey." She didn't audibly respond, but she looked at me and I could see what she wanted to say in those golden crossed eyes: "hey."
So then Meg started hissing at her from inside and totally killed the mood so Jean-Tom left and I returned inside, but whined at Mom to let me back out.

Later that day...
Jean-Tom was back for more food. The sun had set and the moon was a glow around her. Ahhhh.
Anyway, Mom let me go outside again. This time I was more confident. I walked right up to her and we compared nose smells. Then, she rubbed her face against mine. Wowza! But then I was like, hey, I'm the man here, I'm supposed to make the first move.
So I opened my mouth like I was hissing at her but without the sound. I did this so she would do the same and I could see how old she is by her teeth. She's younger than me. Not a problem.
So then we started walking down the porch and I decided I wanted to see what her world is like and headed down the steps. At that point Mom freaked out and chased after me. I made it to the front sidewalk before I decided this might not be a good idea. I was promptly chased inside and spanked.

New development...
This morning Jean-Tom and her brothers were eating breakfast and Mom opened the door for me. I didn't want to go out because I'd rather hang with Jean-Tom when her bros aren't around.
Anyway, Cheese and Crackers -- Jean-Tom's brother and former lover/baby daddy -- gave me the once over and voiced approval. We compared nose smells and then he made some horrible talking noises and tried to come inside. I hissed at him a couple times because I didn't really want him entering my home.

So it's official. I've got brotherly consent to date Jean-Tom. Hopefully she'll give me a photo to post here for your enjoyment.

--Jazpurr

The passing of the wise one

A good friend of mine died last week. Reilly Jo Reilly died Monday, April 13, after complications from a possible blood clot. He would have been 11 next month.

Reilly was Mom's first son, my half brother. He went by many names. You might have known him as:

• Roo Kaboo
• Rooley
• Buddah
• Joyce
• Morbidly Obese

Nevertheless, Riley taught me about my Mom when I was just a wee pup. Here are some photos.

This is Riley kicking me in the face.
This is me saying, "hey, quit kicking me in the face."

Reilly was a friendly sight when I returned to the wooded home. He was the most peaceful and loving cat I've ever known. I only wish I could be that open. He feared nothing because he believed everyone loved him--and they did.

I liked to hiss at Riley because he was bigger than I could make myself look. No one intimidates Blue Steel.

He was the mascot of Lacey's Landing barn. He was black and white and loved all over.

--Jazpurr and Meg

Skinny Jean-Mom

Jean-Tom isn't preggy no more. She's dropped the kitten weight. She wasn't coming around much, only on occaision to fuel up at the cat food filling station Mom has for the dumpstees outside our front door.
The other day Mom had the door open and I was watching Jean-Tom and Cheese and Crackers (the baby daddy). She was all looking at me and rubbing on him all lovey dovey. Pshht. Like I need her. Stupid girlfriend.
More recently we started noticing Jean-Tom coming around more with her brothers for handouts and she has yet to bring her kits with her.
Mom says they probably died, what with them being all inbred and probably cross-eyed like their mum.

Ryan said she probably ated them. I would never eated my foil ball and milk ring babies. They make me sad howl when they stop moving. I wood howsever carry them around in my mouth and kick them around like soccer.

Meg, this is my post! I'm trying to talk about serious stuff here. Geezie cheese.
I'm sad my girlfriend's babies died or didn't like her and ran away, but I'm glad she doesn't have to be tied to that Cheese and Crackers chump raising the kits.
Mayhap she will be mine at last!

--Jazpurr and Meg (Son of a bichon, Meg! Get out of my post!)

My Girlfriend Got Knocked Up By Her Brother

That is to say, her brother got her pregnant before I could make her my girlfriend.
A while ago I was looking out the kitchen window at the dumpster cats chowing down and Mom said, "I bet you could find a girlfriend out there."
What with Peter Nincompoop kidnapped and all, Jean-Tom is the only girl left out there. Too bad she's full of belly fruit.
I suspect Cheese and Crackers is the father. They've been spending a lot of time together.
Needless to say I am heartbroken!
The only other female who frequents my front door is Coonie, but I'm weirded out by her dexterous fingers.
I'm 5 years old. It's getting pretty lame spending all my time with my dopey sister.
Perhaps I should try online dating, like mew-harmony or CATch.com.

--Jazpurr

Spring's the Thing

This is from our spring modeling session.

The Curious Case of Kidnapped Kitties (Part 2)

TRUE CRIME TALE BY MEGALOPOLI CONURBATION MUSSOLINI; EDITED BY AN EXTERNAL SOURCE
6:42 p.m. Friday, March 6: The suspect made another hasty arrival and retreat from her residence in the Hideabed complex. During my undercover work I was able to deduce the suspect would be returning to the Condit Road address this night where I believed the victims to be held captive.
I stowed away in the suspect's vehicle and tracked her to the Condit Road home. I was able to enter the home undiscovered where I viewed the suspect, the victims and a second suspect I later determined to be the primary suspect's mother.
The victims were kept in a large cage containing food, water and waste containers. The victim known as Cat had himself pressed into the corner of the cage. The victim known as Peter Nincompoop, however, was friendly toward her captors.

I feared Stockholm Syndrome had taken Peter, so I watched her movements.

Peter would leave the cage and socialize with her catnappers. She would, however, defend herself against the two dogs on site.
Peter proceeded to spend the evening in front of the TV on the floor with the suspects. She purred and licked suspect #1 and accepted petting from all present, including a male subject whom I do not believe to be a suspect at this time.
During my study of Peter I discovered her belly had been shaved and a wound sustained.
I was able to talk with Peter in a hidden area between the couch and the wall. When I asked her what had transpired, she said she did not remember.

Cat, however, did remember.

After watching Peter for several hours I found Cat had hidden himself behind a bathroom door in the same room as his cage. He was apprehensive about talking to me, but I persuaded him to open up.

"This other lady--she took us to some other place that smelled funny, like
animals," he said. "They caged us up, and then someone pinched me and I fell
asleep. When I woke I was drousy and felt less like a man."

Cat wasn't willing to elaborate, but I knew what he meant--he'd had The Fix.
Come 10:02 p.m., suspect #1 was forcing Cat into the small cage used to transport him to this locale, but unlike how he arrived, Cat left alone. Peter was returned to the large cage.
I once again stashed myself in the suspect's vehicle. Upon return to the Hideabed, the suspect carried the cage to her front door and opened it.
Cat ran from the cage and jumped off the second-story balcony, running out of sight before I could see where he'd gone.
This action by the suspect might have voided one catnapping, but another still remains.

I used the Snifmaster to test the cage for evidence I could use in this case. If only Peter will press charges.

The Curious Case of a Kitty Kidnapping?

TRUE CRIME TALE BY MEGALOPOLI CONURBATION MUSSOLINI; EDITED BY AN EXTERNAL SOURCE
The bathroom was amiss, but I had assumed as much. The penguin rug was out of place; the contents of the counter scattered about.

It was a crime scene.

I, Detective Megalopoli Mussolini, had been called to the scene at an apartment of the Hideabed complex on the south side of town at 7 p.m. Sunday, March 1. Two felines, approximately 1.5 years of age, had been kidnapped shortly before.
At roughly 6:32 p.m. that day, the primary witness, one Jazpurr Higgins, reported an unknown victim entered the apartment through an open front door. Upon setting foot inside the residence, the large, orange cat was grabbed by the waist by the suspect who then tossed the victim into the bathroom of the residence.
Moments later a second, small, orange cat was also snatched up by the suspect and forced into the bathroom of the residence.

The suspect is a dark-haired human known only as "Mom" by one of the witnesses and as "That Lady Who Feeds Us" by several others.

Three witnesses were outside the front door of the residence when the cats were seized.
One, Hot Waffles, said he was new to the area and knew nothing of who the victims or suspect are. The other two, who identified themselves only as Jean-Tom and Cheese and Crackers, identified the larger of the two victims as "Cat," the smaller as "Peter Nincompoop," their brother and sister.
Waffles, Tom and Crackers were able to corroborate Mr. Higgins' account of the initial events.

"The cats were in the bathroom, and I could hear moaning and screaming that was terribly unpleasant," Higgins said. "Mom came out of the bathroom and grabbed the cat cage and an old towel from the bedroom while I watched. Then she went back into the bathroom and I heard a horrible commotion.

Within minutes the suspect left the residence with the cage. All witnesses related hearing what sounded like the victims crying from within the cage.

"She put the cage in the car and left before we knew what happened," Tom said. "We were just trying to eat some dinner."

Once on the scene I was able to determine the suspect had lured both the victims and the three outdoor witnesses to the apartment with bowls of "Alley Cat" cat food. Witnesses were still chowing down upon my arrival. They were apprehensive about talking with a cop, but Greenies loosened their tongues.

"We've seen dis lady around plenty," Crackers said. "She puts out the food and we eats it. Sometimes she lets us take a peek inside dah place."

I made my way to the bathroom. I utilized a piece of equipment, known as my nose, to verify the victims had indeed been held captive in the room. I had the CSI squad process the scene while I drilled Higgins.

"She was barely here 15 minutes," he said. "She came in, put the food out for the dumpster cats and made a phone call. Next thing I know she's got the two in the bathroom, makes another call, she dumps dinner in my bowl and takes off with the cage."

I asked whom the suspect would have telephoned.

"It sounded like she was talking to her mother," he said. "She was asking if she should take those cats."

This was beginning to sound like a premeditated act.
"Where would she have taken them," I asked him.

"We used to live at this house in the woods--that's where her mother is," he said. "It's the only other place I know besides here."

I was able to determine the home was situated on Condit Road about 20 miles from the scene.
Area police recall seeing the suspect's vehicle with Ohio Licence "NEWSIES" travelling north along Sunbury Road--one of several possible routes to the Condit Road destination.
About 10 p.m. that night, the suspect returned to the apartment. Unable to reach the pedal in a car, I opted to remain undercover as the suspect's pet and await the next opportunity to follow her to the Condit Road residence.
Meanwhile, the case remains open.